Lately, I have been on a journey as I discover more of who I am and what my destiny is to be. I definitely can say that as I move forward in this journey, I am learning more about the human heart (emotions) and how the body, mind and spirit will work in conjunction with our Creator to mend those broken places. I am also learning that as those places becoming mended (or filled with gold, so to speak), we are then pushed up to a higher level of consciousness as to who we are and who God created us to be. Let me explain.
One day, not too long ago, I was praying and making certain declarations over my life. I was asking God to heal my heart, to give me a heart of gold. This was truly a deep desire of mine as I was asking God to make up the deficits in my emotions and in my heart. I was watching how God was doing wonderful things in me and how it seemed as though I was really “in sync” so to speak for the first time ever. I was losing weight, giving and being a more solid part of my community and moving in what I felt was God’s way of bringing me more in line with His will for my life.
This process that I was in was actually going to help my heart to heal in more ways than one. God would actually allow me to engage His presence and enter into an encounter that I will not soon forget (I’ll explain later).
When we think of the wounds of the heart, we think about those things that may hurt us to the core. For me, this wounding happened a long time ago as a child. You see, I grew up in a single parent household with my mother. My mother’s intentions were always to do her best, but there were just issues that stood in her ways such as mental illness. Due to this, and other reasons, I grew up feeling like a part of me wasn’t loved. Like part of me wasn’t good enough for my father to be around. Growing up, my self-esteem was low and I was generally a shy child. I didn’t really stand up for my self and I sometimes would be bullied in school. I remember thinking to myself that I would just wish that my father would come and pick me up from school. That, as he picked me up from school, he would end up defending me and telling those kids to leave me alone. That of course never happened.
As I became older, this lack of a father figure left me looking to be loved by the wrong people. It’s really true when you hear statistics about people who grow up without a parental figure and their lives are sometimes out of control and that sometimes young girls, without fathers, will demonstrate risky and unsafe behaviors. This lead to a life that was out of control and I was emotionally up and down.
What I realized was that I needed to reach out to my bio-father. I had to find him, as I thought this will change my life. I would no longer feel like an orphan (as an adult, my mother had passed away). I was able to pull some things together in my life after the passing of my mother, but I still longed for that place in my heart to be filled…and it wasn’t.
There was an encounter that I had in early July 2015 that brought some perspective to my situation. I had a dream where I was brought into what I thought was God’s heart. His heart was big and expansive. I felt such love and peace as I walked inside of His heart. I had noticed that along the walls of His heart were lines and cracks that were filled with what looked like gold. I ran my hands along the walls of his heart and said “I never knew that your heart was wounded.” He replied, “It isn’t. This is your heart. I filled those wounded and cracked places with gold.” When I woke up, I felt as though I was actually healing from deep heartache.
On July 6, 2015 (29 years to the day), I found a letter in an old box that was packed away. This letter was from my bio-father that had information about a brother and an aunt. It was a miracle that I had found this letter as this letter was mailed to me the year that I graduated from High School in 1986 and was a letter congratulating me on becoming an adult. The letter contained contact information, such as a mailing address for an aunt who lived in Detroit. Needless to say, I looked up this aunt’s information and was able to talk to her over the phone. Amazingly, this aunt hadn’t moved and was very happy to speak to me when I called her. We both cried together when I told her I was her niece.
Long story made short, my father called me a few days later and we were able to reunite with each other. I couldn’t believe how all of those days, months, and years that were filled with such heartache had vanished. It felt like I was finally wanted by my father and I felt very warm in my heart for him.
On October 23, 2015, I flew to Michigan to see family and to meet my brother and my sister whom I had never met. I also was able to spend much needed time with my father. I finally, as an adult, was able to communicate with him face to face for the first time. This was truly a healing event in my life where the wound of my heart was filled with gold.