Who Am I:
I have always had issues with my identity and how I saw myself even though my family’s make up was talked about frequently. I remember my mother telling me when I was much younger; “We are Cherokee Indian, Spanish, Scottish, Ethiopian and something else from another African country.” Even though these different ethnic blends were in my blood, I never really felt belonging to anywhere yet felt connected to everywhere.
Early Years:
When I was in elementary school, the same kids who teased me would also wonder about my ethnic identity. Some of the kids would call me a Zebra or Oreo (Oreo mean that I was black on the outside but White on the inside). Really? Where does this come from? It makes me think now that our identity is attacked at a young age to make unsure of who we are and the calling on our lives (I’ll explain more later).
This is where I would long to have a father, my father, in my life. I was very young and was very aware of my situation. My father, ideally, should have been there to instill into me who I am. The lack of having a father in my life caused my heart to be wounded. But little did I know that 40 years later, my heart would become mended.
In general (I know this is true for me), I think we may embrace various identities because of other people’s ideas and preconceived ideas. Sometimes, we could decide that it’s easier to take on the identity that is spoken over us, and to us, because we are unsure of whom we really are. Now mind you, not everyone has this issue. I have met people who have similar circumstances who did not experience what I did. However, there are those who can identify personally, or know someone who is in a similar circumstance. For me, this lack of identity and feeling of unworthiness showed up in behaviors that were self-destructive and they were almost successful in destroying me.
Stepping Into a New Reality:
I remember shortly after coming to Redding, California to attend school at Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry, I had a dream encounter with My Heavenly Father. In my dream, I was in the Garden with Him and he had spoken to my spirit about going to the well to draw fresh water. I looked inside the well and saw my reflection, as well as the reflections of the Heavenly Father, and a lamb. In my dream I was overcome with deep feelings of love and began to weep with gratification. Then, the Father spoke to my spirit and said, “See, you look just like Me,” at that moment I awoke to a new reality; I am a child of the Most High God, He is my Father and I am complete. Well, shortly after this dream, I was able to make contact with my earthly father. I made immediate arraignments to meet him in person. At that same meeting I met my sister, brother and multiple cousins.
I looked at my family members that I met for the first time and could see a very strong family resemblance. But when I sat with my father and my sister took a picture of the both of us, the resemblance was uncanny. I looked just like my father.
Later that same day, I met my brother for the first time. I knew and realized that what was spoken to my sprit that night was true. My brother told me that I really do look like all of the family members. I cried in my brother’s arms as I finally felt a sense of belonging, and realized my Creator’s faithfulness.
Walking In My New Identity:
There comes a new way of thinking when you establish your identity with your earthly family as well as your Heavenly Father. When you know who you are, you are not going to settle for old patterns of thinking that may have been self-destructive. This can take time to establish, as you actually have to make a conscious effort not to do or act in ways that were once harmful to yourself or others.
When you begin to understand who you are, you no longer have to beg for what you feel you need, you can go confidently to your Heavenly Father for what your heart desires. My prayer life has indeed changed and I am learning to rest in His presence so that I can walk into new realities. When I understand who I am, I am able to draw on that deep well that is in the Father but also in me. I can also refresh others who are thirsty and are in need of knowing who they are, for now I know from my own experience what this means. This means that I can encounter others as an established child of God, a mother in the faith, and a doer of His will here on earth. I am reminded of the scripture in Ephesians 1:5. It states “He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of his will.”
It is my sincere prayer that everyone I come into contact with will walk into this new reality for themselves and that each person enjoys the beautiful journey ahead in this area.